I am not sure if you are like me, but, this year has been one for the records. I am not talking about all the external stuff happening. I mean the internal things going on within. I use to be a person who was sure and knew without a shadow of a doubt where I was going and who was leading me there. This year has come through and made me to rethink all that I knew. I know it has been a while since I have written and I know that I am going to have to rebuild. See that is the thing that I am talking about because when God calls us to a thing he doesn’t change his mind about it. It’s us that venture off into left lane. Well, maybe not you but for sure me.
God has given me an assignment and I began it, but unknown to me, I still had areas that needed to be dealt with. God calls the foolish in order to confuse the wise. Yes, I am calling myself foolish. Anyone who knows me would never have thought that I would have made it thus far in life. That’s another story for another time. What I am trying to say is that this year caused me to see where I have dropped the ball because I did not deal with unresolved issues from my past. Uggg! Here I am preaching, teaching, evangelizing, prophesying, and laying hands on folk but was in fact in need of some laying on of hands myself! That’s a hard pill to swallow, but one most needed to keep us humble. Maybe not you, but for sure me.
This year has truly shown me where I am weak and where I thought I was strong was the weakest area of my life. I am a woman who has been single for over ten years and who has raised her children by herself. It was a choice I made but with hesitation. I desired to be married, but I feared of making the wrong choice and bringing the wrong man into my children’s life. Well, my son graduated and my daughter graduates this year. Mom desires to go out and mingle. I let my guard down and mingled with someone that I said was just someone I could just enjoy hanging and talking with. Little did I know I still dealt with trust and I am going to say this, but YOU the reader better keep it to yourself. I dealt with control issues.
I knew and agreed that the relationship would not go anywhere but as time went on…let’s just say that my feelings began to develop. I found that he stuck to the agreement and I could not deal with it. Let me just say this, all of that, I just mention is very irrelevant because God needed me to see me. I kept looking at him and blaming him. I kept putting my mouth on him and calling everybody I knew would listen to me and murdering him with my mouth. This was so out of my character and I found myself in a place of confusion and hurt. One, because God was no longer my center and I sinned against my father because I unbeknown to me made this guy my center of attention. How easy did I make it for he enemy to sneak in and take control of my thinking. I knew we agreed to not be serious, but somewhere I wanted him to want me more than just a friend. Again, control issues…hello! God caused me to see me and to see where I wasted time and fell behind on what mattered most. I had to repent and rebuild. I am still rebuilding because I can be honest and say I acted out on emotions…uggggh!!!! How can I teach a thing but fall victim to it?
I don’t know how many can relate to similar stories that have brought them to look at them, but I hope this helps someone out there. Share this with your friends, sisters, mothers, aunties, or just whoever. Comment and let me know your thoughts. What has this year shown you?